Mariska Hargitay shares experience with sexual assault in emotional personal essay

Mariska Hargitay may have years of experience playing a detective who helps seek justice for survivors of rape and sexual assault on television, but until recently she had a hard time processing that part of her own identity. This revelation comes from a personal essay that the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit actor penned for People, in which she reveals that she was raped by a man she considered a friend while in her thirties. “It wasn’t sexual at all. It was dominance and control. Overpowering control,” she opens.

After the incident, Hargitay “couldn’t believe that it happened” so she “cut it out” and “removed it from [her] narrative,” she writes. She explains that this conscious denial is what she had to do to survive.

In the meantime, the actor started an organization to help other survivors of assault and abuse called Joyful Heart Foundation. “I was building Joyful Heart on the outside so I could do the work on the inside. I think I also needed to see what healing could look like,” she explains. “I look back on speeches where I said, ‘I’m not a survivor.’ I wasn’t being untruthful; it wasn’t how I thought of myself.”

After years of this work and some gentle help from friends and family to name what happened to her, Hargitay said she was finally able to have “my own reckoning.”

The actor also acknowledges the power of the community that’s grown around SVU and specifically her character Olivia Benson:

Survivors who’ve watched the show have told me I’ve helped them and given them strength. But they’re the ones who’ve been a source of strength for me. They’ve experienced darkness and cruelty, an utter disregard for another human being, and they’ve done what they needed to survive. For some, that means making Olivia Benson a big part of their lives—which is an honor beyond measure—for others, it means building a foundation. We’re strong, and we find a way through.

“This is a painful part of my story. The experience was horrible. But it doesn’t come close to defining me, in the same way that no other single part of my story defines me. No single part of anyone’s story defines them,” Hargitay writes in conclusion. “I’m turning 60, and I’m so deeply grateful for where I am. I’m renewed and I’m flooded with compassion for all of us who have suffered. And I’m still proudly in process.”

You can read the full essay here.

If you or someone you know is suffering from sexual abuse, contact the RAINN National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673 or go to rainn.org.